Squall's Squall
by Professor Layton's Placenta
Summary: Squall squalls up a squalling squall.


Squall peered out the window of his dormitory room to bear witness to a group of bite bugs having kinky bisexual anal sex which involved fisting. Disgusted by the thought of arthropods feeling pleasure, Squall would not allow that!

Squall withdrew his gunblade from his butthole, which is where he stores it, then shot bullets made of his own drunken corn shit upon the bugs, but the bugs were into scat so it was for naught. The bite bugs asked Squall if he liked German feet inflation porn, but Squall had no idea what the fuck German was, so he asked the bugs but they didn't either. They just heard the term from a man who came from a strange craft that fell from the sky, which washed up on shore while they were having foreplay.

The Earth man, named Marty Stu, was a human like Squall but he was completely devoid of magic powers, and he was balding. A lesser creature from the planet Earth in the Milky Way galaxy. Squall, though not well versed in its nations, knew full well what that planet's 14 year old weeaboo females did to him in foul, pseudo-literature they called "fanfiction". The traumatic memory caused his scar to explode, which killed all the bite bugs and sent them to bug orgy heaven.

Squall killed the invasive man with a hate-fueled punch then ate him, to gain immunity to all Earth diseases. He fixed the spaceship by looking at it, then warped to Earth instantly by infusing magic into the engine.

Squall filled his fists with seething hatred then punched straight through Earth's core. The planet exploded and Squall's body absorbed the explosion, making him powerful enough to control galaxies. His spleen became a holy GF inaccessible to any other being, not even other GFs.

Squall put Earth's puny, pathetic excuse for a moon in his butt as a trophy, then returned to his planet in the Andromeda galaxy, which was actually called Ftllggrteryt, but was not referred to as such due to pronounciation difficulties. He mounted the moon amidst his collection of moons from planets he had crushed in the past for being ugly. He traced his fingers across the dusty past trophies. His pride and joy, Vegeta's moon, brought back nostalgic tears. He patted the secret door which hid the expensive, shapeshifting costume he used to frame that dickhead Frieza, who refused to sell him any more pot. Frieza got what he deserved, and so did the monkeyfucks from that wretched planet for cutting off his supply of poppers. The thought of them turned Squall's simian ears green with hypocritical hatred.

Squall locked his collection back up, then folded the Milky Way galaxy into an origami effigy of the yaoi fangirls he had slain for the greater good of the United RPG Empire.

Squall's cell phone rang. He checked it. It was Rudy Roughnight, texting him for the 512.8th time today. He asked why his galaxy now looked like Cecilia.

"DAMMIT RUDY DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE LONG-DISTANCE TEXTS TO FILGAIA ARE?!" Rudy's memefaggotry and metal asstexting was eating all of Squall's paychecks, so he could no longer afford to buy pot from Space Dandy.

Squall had enough.

He teleported to Filgaia and tried to hatepunch it, but it was stronger than Earth and retaliated by throwing both of its moons at him. Squall caught Malduke and hurled it back, squashing Port Timney and making Captain Bartholomew's penis fall off and into the soup Hanpan had special ordered. Hanpan was delighted to find the chef added his extra mushroom to exact specifications.

Hanpan bit into the mushroom. He discovered it was not a mushroom.

"WHO DID THIS?!' Hanpan roared towards the sky. He caught sight of Squall flying towards the rubble of the port town, his eyes replaced by fury tornadoes and his fists by bloody chainsaws.

"RUDY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Squall roared, his voice leveling the nearest mountain range. Squall had used Boomburst.

"IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT?!" Hanpan rocketed towards the descending alien, his rodent body cloaked in a light of adrenaline and lasers.

Hanpan and Squall collided in midair, unleashing a shockwave which flipped Filgaia inside out and turned the universe into hairy pudding and pot.

Hanpan bit Squall's nose right off and spit it down the nosehole, into his lungs, where it became a cucumber. Squall swung his razor-sharp hair at Hanpan, scarifying gay Pikachu porn into his chest.

From the shrapnel which was once their fallen homeworld came the ghosts of the Pikachu slain by Squall's titanic hatepunch. They fused with Hanpan, giving him the power to make even Thor clap thunder in his pants. Hanpan spit a great lightning bolt at Squall, making him hack up the cucumber and launch it at Hanpan.

The cucumber was the antithesis of Pikachu spirits. It soaked them up like a ghost vacuum, robbing Hanpan of his electrical superpowers.

Hanpan trapped Squall in a tornado, but since Squall was a squall he absorbed it and retaliated with a hurricane which flung Hanpan to Spira, where he was put in bondage and taxidermied into a sex toy for Wakka and Lulu.

Jack Van Burace heard the news and was so enraged, he gained the ability to fly with rage alone. He dropkicked Squall's head off and into orbit, where it looped around and fell into Rudy's lap.

Squall reached his target at last.

"I'M SICK OF YOU FUCKING WASTING ALL MY PAYCHECKS TEXTING ME STUPID SHIT! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER!" He roared, then bit into Rudy's metal nads, making him blue screen. Squall's head bit tighter to achieve a firm grip, then flew back to his body carrying Rudy's, where it reattached.

Squall took Rudy apart, using his scraps to build a smartphone with unlimited free interstellar texting.

He texted a picture of his dick to Tidus. Viewing it sank Tidus' whole paycheck.

Squall's hypocritical laughter made the universe eat itself. Only Squall survived.

He giggled as he blazed up a joint pilfered from Rudy's metal asspocket.


End file.
